Greatest (non-blog) hits, part 1

Hello.
Here's something I wrote a few years back, for my good friends at Pyssedas Heavy Industrial.
It's the itinerary for the Melbourne- well, South Melbourne- leg of the Great Intercontinental Pub Crawl.
They run this every year- click that link to sign up for 2008.
Anyway, here it is.

1-Palmerston Hotel- cnr Kingsway & Palmerston Cres.
In the early 1860s Lord Palmerston amassed a fortune importing the famous “parmesan” cheese, which still bears his name, to Melbourne - this pub is a fitting tribute to a great man. Not to be confused with the Pink Palace, across Kingsway (which offers a "Saturday Special $49.00 nude hand relief", if you are running early).

2-Rising Sun Hotel- cnr. Eastern Rd & Palmerston Cres.
A taste of Deep South Melbourne in the famous House of the Rising Sun! The only things you will need are a suitcase and a trunk, apparently. Sin and misery on tap.

3-Cricket Club- cnr. Clarendon St. & Thompson St.
Memorabilia galore to admire here, where the Don used to come to get blotto and fight after every MCG Test Match. Important- actual crickets, grasshoppers, locusts etc NOT welcome in the front bar.

4-Lewis’ Emerald Hill Hotel- cnr. Clarendon St. & Raglan St.
A short walk down the yellow brick road of Clarendon St. to the Emerald. This is a quiet old-school boozer, so no mucking round. Drink up and get out. Now. You’re barred, the lot of you.

5-Limerick Arms- cnr. Clarendon St. & Park St.
A pause to compose a special Intercontinental Pub Crawl limerick. Or at least a rousing song, perhaps to the tune of the Spongebob Squarepants theme, which we can sing/bellow for the rest of the crawl.

6- Town Hall Hotel- cnr. Moray St. & Bank St.
This place has somehow slipped downhill from its original position and is now nowhere near the Town Hall! What's the story? 10 points for each correct answer, judges' decision final.

7-Bell’s Hotel & Brewery- cnr. Moray St. & Coventry St.
Huzzah for Bells Brewery, where they make the scotch! Och aye, laddie, we'll have a wee dram the noo...what? Oh. Sorry, no, apparently this is where beautiful beers are brewed by intelligent women, and vice versa. Dream on fellas!

8-Maori Chief- cnr. Moray St. & York St.
Nothing to report. Sorry.

9- Golden Gate- cnr. Clarendon St. & Coventry St.
Just how did a pub in Melbourne get named after a bridge in San Francisco? It’s a long, sorry tale, involving a gullible landlord and a fast talking American conman with a bogus title deed in his pocket. And a suicide. Don’t dwell on it.

10-George Hotel- cnr. Coventry St. & Cecil St.
Windows could do with a clean. Looks like a good place to stop and watch a bit of footy. Also has pub TAB for horse tragics.

11-Market Inn - cnr. Cecil & York St.
Another in the "Pubs of the Commonwealth" series, this is mainly English-ish, due to the current plague of backpackers. Why are there no Canadian or South African theme pubs? Don't those guys drink or something? Discuss.


12- Southern Cross, cnr. Cecil St. & Market St.
The antique Haig’s ad on the wall gives this ageing bloodpit a raffish air. Despite the chic new umbrellas & cafe seating outside, don't linger after dark.

Then onto tram 112 up Clarendon St. and into the city for the grand finale/vomiting etc.

13- International Backpackers, cnr. Flinders St & Spencer St.
Bit optional this one- but anyway, after avoiding hideous decapitation at the helipad, why not slip in here for a cheeky $2.00 pot? They also run a backpackers’ job agency here, so your dream career in apple picking or IT temping may be just around the corner.

14- Waterside Hotel, cnr. Flinders St & King St.
Ah, if these walls could talk…they would spout a load of toothless drunken gibberish, probably. Recently renovated, and now said to be murderer free.

15- the Joint, cnr. Elizabeth St. & Flinders Lane.
Last one standing is crowned Drunkard of the Year, and moves into the semi finals. Huzzah! Enter chorus, all sing "It's A Small World After All", curtains close.

Details:
Start- 12.00pm at the Palmerston. Trams 3, 5, 8, 16, 64, 67 & 72 from the city all stop at Domain Interchange, a block away. Don't be late.
Melways map ref. 2K H3

Timing- ½ an hour per pub. No arguments, no time wasting. Get in, get one down you, then get cracking, we have a long way to go today.

Food- you will need to eat something. Most locals seem to exist on a diet of focaccia & coffee, but there are many other options. The famous South Melbourne Market dim sim is in season, and is easily caught using a net or the traditional blowpipe & dart. All the pubs to be visited offer expensive potato chips in ridiculous flavours like gingered oyster or goat cheese & ketchup. There is also a pie shop. Remember that citrus fruits are illegal south of the Yarra.


salut!